seeway

rough night. probably the worst experience of my life.

it sucks when you're trying to make something hurt less, but in reality, you just make it hurt so much worse just by prolonging it.

it sucks when you lose something/someone that you've forgotten how to be without.

it sucks when all the things you say- are all the wrongs things to say- when in reality, all the things, are the wrong things to say.

it sucks to lose. again. and again. and again.

and it sucks when you don't know when
         it can be better
                or will be
                       or if can ever be

and it sucks when it means so much to you.

coming onto lj has made me realized what I really miss.

I miss me some really good, deep, hearty conversations.


That's not to say that I haven't had any good conversations since I've come to college... but just that I've had a lot of fun, light-hearted, joking around conversations... I want to sit down with someone and just talk till forever and just talk.

And to feel comfortable and to just lay there and talk.

I just feel like none of us have time-- even though we have all the time in the world.



Anyway, I'll update more later about college and this and that....

college is a whirlwind.

my opinion of college just took a 180-- i went from feeling slightly underwhelmed and lonely to absolutely falling in love with it. i've had such a blast tonight and what i realized about college is that you just need to find people who you connect with-- and once you do that it's awesome and you get to explore and take chances together. i'm actually really happy right now. if you asked me if i liked college yesterday, i would say, "yes" but only because i felt like i "wasn't allowed" to give any other answer. but today i truly mean it. i guess yesterday was just more difficult because i had unreal expectations. i was used to people saying, "oooh i love uva!", but i didn't feel it immediately and i guess i expected to. also, almost all of the girls on my hall requested to be together either through facebook surveys or highschool/sth else so no one really wanted to branch out as much while i just wanted to connect with everyone really fast and just skip to the "family + togetherness" stage. it was difficult because i wasn't used to not feeling completely comfortable. also, it felt like an all girls school in that we never saw any of the other people on our floor-- my floor has three levels of guys and 1 of girls on the very top-- so yesterday it just felt like it would take such a long time for people to break down barriers and just all be friends! but now it's different. we're all friends and there are some girls i'm much better friends with and some girls i barely talk to, but it's okay. it's just good because i'm surrounding myself with people i actually like-- not people who don't care about making friendships and whose primary concern is hooking up with people and getting wasted or girls who are loud and think theyre the shiiiit. i am really excited for the rest of the year and for classes to start! wooohooo!
hahhahahaha

oh and the international kids are great and hilarious. this kid from turkey made me this door sign thing that had a picture of daffy duck in glitter glue and my name, which he spelled, "Sindy." haha.


i think for me, i just need to feel comfortable and then all is good. it's good to venture out of your comfort zone in order to find people who keep you in it.

yay college!

this is kind of a speed entry that i didn't put a lot of thought into. i'm just really happy that i'm happy.

You know, sometimes things aren't as easy or as streamlined or as straightforward as you expect them to be-- you think rationally and say, "yes, yes, that works" and then when it happens or when dialogue opens, it's rather...difficult-- because then it becomes emotionally charged and then it's kind of difficult to wrap your mind around it because it seems so foreign and so unfortunate.


I was meaning to write a lot tonight, but I am utterly pooped. I just need some sleeeep.

Sometimes right before I fall asleep, I feel the urge to write in here-- because I feel like I have something to say-- things and explanations and reasons pop into my head and my brain goes a little fiery, but then I'm too tired to throw off my covers and retrieve my laptop. And then I think, "Oh, what a shame, you'll never start blogging again ever." Because I never really want to write in here unless I feel like I have something to say because I don't want to write something too dry (i like to make it juicy for ya). But honestly, I don't have anything to say tonight, I just wanted to blog before I feel as if I'd "never do it again." So here I am!

I miss blogging, I really do. I think it keeps me in contact with myself. Otherwise I feel like I kind of detach, in that I don't really feel anything I'm doing. I guess it's not really that I don't feel, but more like I don't reflect or think something over more than peripherally. It's good to have a place where I'm welcome to ramble and pretend that it's listening-- mostly because I'm forcing myself upon it. Because sometimes you don't have anywhere else to put anything. I can compartimentalize and just stick it somewhere in the back of my head and just let it sit there or flail its measly arms, but sometimes it's good to get things out-- even things that don't really matter. Because people are unpredictable-- and it's nice to have a place to unwind and come back to--but then you realize that other eyes creep on what you write and then you get a bit antsy and a bit, "so what about my audience?"--and then you realize that part of the reason why you blog is because you like knowing that there are other eyes-- it's kind of thrilling and chilling-- because conversing entirely to yourself is not nearly as interesting-- because sometimes you hope that if you say a little more-- other people will say more too. because a huge part of the charm of livejournal is trying to piece together a person based on things they say that they may never say in person (or rather, to you in person) and it's kind of interesting to put pieces that don't really fit together because people are interesting when they talk to themselves in the prescence of an audience. especially, it's interesting to see their styles-- lists, mind spills, topic/explanation, etcetc. how fascinating!

well, I don't really have much to say right now but! I have fixed up my fall schedule for uva quite a bit in the last few days and it makes me veryyyy happy! mainly because I got off the waiting list for econ 201 with elzinga! regardless, I'm excited for the fall, but I feel like I have some unfinished business to attend to before I leave (not sure what though...!)

also! it's my sister's birthday tomorrow and i am immensely excited! i'm going to be spending pretty much all of tomorrow before she/my parents get home decorating the house and i'm attempting to make a strawberry ice cream cake from scratch (although no hand-churned ice cream)... and a blueberry pie!! and! i need to wrap all of the presents (sshhh... she's getting a wii! which i, myself, am quite excited about as well!) and I think it's funny how one of the gifts I got her is, "Chicken Soup for the PreTeen Soul" HAHA she's turning 10! It's also funny how I've been a bad sister and have been misleading her to believe that I only got her replacement "math study" books that she lost earlier this summer and how my parents haven't been able to find a wii anywhere. She's actually very distraught, but I think it makes the special day so much sweeter in the end! :) i am SO excited!!!!

Goodnight,friends

wow i feel unbelievably good right now. i'm really happy and i don't really know why. HAHA and yes, i am just posting to say that i'm happy.

because honestly, all i see in the future is sunshine. there's nothing weighing me down other than this darned leadership project and my tech lab project-- but those are just minor blips on this beautiful trail.

okay so listen: the next few weeks of my life consist of-- seeing the 48 hour film fest screening, senior girls sleepover, beautiful half day APs and SOL days, ms obrien's daughter's wedding, senior skip, memorial day, relay for life, KD in the future??, prom, grad, all night grad party,  beach week...

and i'm done with the calc AP!

i'm really excited for the rest of my life. hopefully i can come back to this post whenever i feel like the world is pulling out my hair. yay!

wow, i finally feel like a wonderfully happy senior. finally! :)

what do you feel when all you see is the darkness in the rear view mirror?

--
This weekend was powerful and exhilarating. It was the ending of a few chapters in my life, but weirdly enough, I ended it with a chapter in someone else's life. But just in the past few days, I fully immersed myself in each moment-- and I realized that at each point in time, there was no place that I would rather be. Whether it be planning a spontaneous skit on the green lawn of a middle school in Norfolk enjoying the gentle breeze and my overflowing plate of canned peaches... or late night conversations while the car's moving 70 mph in backseats and us, wistful and content... or singing Vanessa Carlton with over 60/70 high school students in a cramped triple classroom space... or having someone come up to me, telling me, "thanks for my last and my best" and thinking the same thing...or that conversation in the car with someone whose paths I don't typically cross or with someone whose path I do, but having the ability to take away the element of time...it's just that I'm so content, but I wish I had my own ending.

It's kind of weird seeing everything wind down.

meet me again on xanga.

back to the beginning.

 
theres so much that i could say about "human nature" and "the way people are." but today, i just want to stop at, "humans are inherently good." sure, today was just an odd occurance and probably doesn't address what i have stated at its core, but it was just such a good moment.

and tomorrow, my jack o' lantern will be glowing bright thanks to you. thank you.

and sometimes, i wish i could believe words more than actions can make me feel. 
 
these are the days that i just want to drive around and around and around without a destination and without a purpose--hoping for pitch black night swooping in to glaze my thoughts, but i know that it'll only elucidate these rambling streams of somewhere between conscious and unconsciousness. i don't really care. i just want to be enveloped by the darkness and the perpetual motion. 

and sometimes, i just want to talk to someone about nothingness. and everythingness. mainly undeveloped thoughts. but the world is too busy. and as am i. 

what an awful week in that, "golly gee, it feels 10x worse than junior year," kind of way. but hey, i'm still alive and living, right? it's been one of those week where all I want to do is sleep. I study for a bit, but then I realize that I'm asleep in my bed, my gov book lain on my right arm and my pencil suspended by a finger.. and its 1 am. and then I mope around for a bit and say the common, "school sucks."

but then this cycle continues. a day, two days, threeeee. and all I want to do is sleep.

i'm not sure where this is going, but this has just been such a busy week. especially since I have make-up work from last week and the weekend was barely touched by homework.

i abhor how the last two weeks of each quarter is so jam-packed. i swear half of the points in every class are from these last two weeks. I feel like I work so hard every other day to do well in my classes and then, they are jeopardized by some slew of tests or quizzes during the last two weeks. POO.

but anywho. i'm studying for geosystems right now (another example) and I wanted to take a break and do a bit of ranting.

wheeeeee.

i can't wait till second semester and beach week and grad + all-night grad and prom and halloween and thanksgiving and daylight savings and the upcoming 4 day weekend.

thankkkk goodness!

recent revelation: its been such a long time since i've listened to music. i drive the van now and the CD player + radio is broken. =(

it's true it's true it's true.


i feel like i've gone everywhere and back and yet, i was never more than 20 miles away from home.

yet home seems so foreign now because i miss the movement and the interactions.

to me, yesterday signified the closing of a chapter in my life-- one that brought me supposed unnecessary stress and lack of free lunch time. but that was only the build -up to a span of time that changed me. it may sound silly to say that it changed me, but every moment on that bus and every conversation I had changed me. changed me in the sense that i knew more and i felt more and i knew there was more. 

and there was never a moment that i did not feel power or love or strength from the people around me. in a moment, we all collided. our lives collided and i couldnt have asked for anything better. never ever from a group of people had i felt such a sense of support and a "i believe in each and everyone of us" attitude. we wanted it to go well so bad. we cared too much for one another-- and our common goal. we loved too much.

i want to go back.

and collide, we did. not only with ourselves and our close-knit group, but also those around us.
i just liked talking to people because they showed me something new. i'll miss that.
i tell myself that people are bound to run into each other again because it would be such a shame if we didn't.

it felt like i was stepping out into the real world, but with the benefit of everyone having a higher IQ.

there was so much love.

people are good, really. 

but now i'm back and i don't know what to feel. even being at school during the conference felt weird because i didn't feel like i belonged-- i was so used to what i had during those three days that what i've known for over three years felt alien. but i had so much pride. 

question of the day: am i full or empty?

It's so different outside when youre older. Maybe it's more beautiful, in the natural sense, but its just not the same. You don't have kids ringing your doorbell or kids to ride bikes with. The bikes get bigger... and so do our dreams.

Do you know what I really want to do right now?


Drive in the rain to Barnes and Noble and buy myself Great Gatsby-- take it home and then highlight all my favorite passages. That would make me so happy right now.

damn, i've been updating way too much in the past few days. HAHAHA.

the best things in life--
are the things that are constant, but unpredictable.

and knowing that everything moves forward.

life is good.

hayneis (10:20:46 PM): here's how i see things
x0x CindY (10:20:51 PM): k
hayneis (10:20:55 PM): you see a bridge of hot coal down the road and you're walking barefoot.
x0x CindY (10:21:04 PM): okay
hayneis (10:21:09 PM): you take a breather, you readjust your backpack and make sure the weight is distributed evenly
hayneis (10:21:43 PM): you contemplate for a second, that if you maybe just turn around and crawl back into the comfort of your bed and drool on the pillow all night, that things will be fine tomorrow.
hayneis (10:21:46 PM): just for a second, though.
hayneis (10:22:06 PM): it's that feeling of knowing what's to come and what's to be "fulfilled" i guess..
hayneis (10:22:18 PM): not by inevitably but by the driving force of personal choice
hayneis (10:22:24 PM): anddd pain will ensue.
hayneis (10:22:33 PM): you'll wince and cry but after the bitter walk
hayneis (10:22:53 PM): you'll take a seat on the park ench and dab ice on your burnt feet while eating ice cream off a freshly fried waffle cone.
hayneis (10:23:09 PM): then you'll dispose the trash and set down the road again.. and again. and again.
hayneis (10:23:33 PM): the future of ice cream dribbling down your chin is ALWAYS questionable, but the obstacles are inevitable.
hayneis (10:23:39 PM): and that's why i hate trying.

there's a lot of things i don't really understand. and a lot of assumptions that i don't understand, either.

how does one test score become the basis of which your whole life is built upon? how does one four digit number dictate how successful you'll be in 10 years or how anything. (it doesn't)

i don't know. there's a lot of things i don't really understand. and it gets under my skin. it really does. i wish i knew the words to say or the way to fit words together so that they make something. something comprehensible. because quite frankly, i don't make any sense right now. but hey-- thats no shocker.

since when did life become such a system? why did we do this to ourselves? why couldn't life be what it always was. whatever happened to freedom? whatever happened to that sense of full-out "there's-nowhere-else-that-i-could-imagine-myself-to-be" every moment happiness? we're so structured. its always from one place to the place. never stopping. never feeling. just moving forward.

the sad part about getting under my skin is that i believe it. i start to believe what i hear. and it breaks me down. is that all they see in me? i hate disappointments, but most of all, i hate being the one to disappoint. i hate regrets. i guess you call call me one of those crazy "live life without regrets" fucking optimists. but its worst when you're told that something you've done is someone else's regret.

if i read this again and i read the fourth stanza/paragraph/whatever-- i'd be like: no, we still have those moments. because we still do. how else do we go through life? and i live for those moments. i breathe for those moments. because in each of those moments, i feel truly alive. but have you ever thought of it? we go through different levels of school-- to reach what? a career, which betters the society as a whole-- or so, you hope. and then what do you do? why do we do this? i guess there's always a sense of accomplishment with the achieving of a goal. but whatever happened to unbridled freedom? hah, or was there never such a thing? maybe it's just another dream of mine.

i always tell myself, "i can do better." because i can. because i feel like i can. because i know that i care enough to work for it. and i get scared because the last person i want to disappoint is myself.

i feel like sometimes i twist the illogical into something that becomes reasonable to me. you see, if you tell me that i have to do something that i really don't want to do in place of something i'd rather do-- i make excuses for myself. i start to feel as if i really want to do what i never did. i make up reasons and i feel it. wholely? probably not. but to such an extent that i believe it. and when you tell me something unreasonable-- i put my own reasons into it and make it something mine. and i start believing in the illogical. and then it's a horrible mess.

i'm one of those people that always say, "well, it'll work out in the end." and it sucks because-- what happens in the meantime? and why can't everyone see what i see? we'll get there some day. maybe today's just not the day. maybe it just wasn't meant to be today. the present only lasts so long.

and so, with the closing of this entry, which probably makes no sense. and you'll probably try to decipher it thinking, "she must be just pissed about her SAT scores or something shitty like that." okay, yeah, so it relates and so it branches off of that. but, its not just those silly four numbers. it's something greater than that. its a frame of mind. it's a belief system. it's a way of life. it's something that i try to preserve.

Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon-tree
I'm turning my head up and down
I'm turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see is just another lemon-tree

Life is so good.

I've come to realized that life is all about balance. Not necessarily how you balance your own life... but how life balances itself out.
I guess in a way it's like karma-- or a sort of self-realized equilibrium. something special like that. and the thing is-- its true. no matter how bad/low things get--they will always get better. in a matter of seconds, hours, minutes, years, month, whatever. sure, call it "perspective"-- call it a "change of mind"--but i like to call it "balance"

life is all about conflicts. "i am conflicted" what is the better of the goods-- the worst of the bads? its problem solving and growing and understanding and following through. it's about opening yourself up and allowing others to get a glimpse of who you are. it's about opening your heart to vulnerability-- knowing that it hurts, but it may be worth the shot. life is about taking risks and setting goals. its doesn't matter if you reach them or not. because no matter what-- you'll reach something. it's inevitable. and at that moment, you won't be able to imagine it being anything different. because everything works out in the end.

i do believe that. does that make me naiive? i dont think so. actually.... i think it helps with the stress.

life is about coping and laughing. and knowing that everything balances out. because thats how it is. the highs can only go so high. and the lows can only go so low.

so, live it.

Well she wants to live her life
Then she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back as she screams
I dont really wanna live this life
She only drinks coffee at midnight, when the moment is not
Right, her timing is quite-unusual
You see her confidence is tragic, but her intuition magic